Hey ladies! I’m here to talk to today about a very important issue. This issue, which is so close to my heart may very well shock you, but it is time for you to know the truth. I'm hear to talk to you about the danger that is swimming with dolphins. Sure, you may think that dolphins seem like your typical cute, cuddly, marine life friends, but in truth they are wild, ferocious, uncontrollable savages, who, more often then not, are out to steal your virtue!
I know girls, I know, so many of you had planned to swim with dolphins on this year’s spring break trip to Cabo. (Insert squeals of delight here.) But give me a few moments to convince you of why staying on the beach working on your hot spring break tan will be much more worth your time. This may be surprising to you sisters, but did you know that captive dolphins are actually much more dangerous then wild dolphins? I know—I totes thought I was being messed with when I first learned this. But it’s true! Captive dolphins in "swim with dolphin" programs often become aggressive, and have been known to do everything from ramming people to the bottom of the pool to chasing them. And the injuries that result from these incidents range from scratches and cuts to broken bones. I don’t know about you, but the only thing I want broken when I get back from Spring Break is my record for how many shots of tequila I can take! Who’s with me?
But that’s not all. As I’m sure you know, most animals mating season is in the spring. Guess what else is in spring? That’s right, our Cabo trip. There have been multiple incidents when a captive dolphin has been in the prime of mating season and mistook his swimming partner for, ahem, a different kind of partner. You would be surprised at the number of drowning incidents that have been caused by this. I’m sorry, but hotties like us have enough to worry about with all these frat boys hounding us all the time, we do not need to also worry about waking up to something of another species. I mean, ew. I know “what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo” and everything, but who can live down an infamous story like that? We have our reputations to think about girls.
I know what some of you girls are thinking right now. I considered it too. But trust me when I say this, dolphin petting zoos are just as bad. Those toothers are sharper then you think, and we don’t go through the labors of getting manicures every week just so some angry dolphins can have a prettier looking snack.
I’m telling you all of this not because I want to ruin your fun, but because sisters have to look our for each other. Dolphins are just like any other wild animal, and I mean really, would you like, want to go swimming with a grizzly bear? So keep in mind what I’ve told you and I hope everyone has a beyond awesome time this spring break!
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